


A Shared Ideation

by Zinthezinner



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Depression, F/F, Suicidal Ideation, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-11-07 08:25:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17957060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zinthezinner/pseuds/Zinthezinner
Summary: “You too, huh?”Sayo froze, mortified. She’d just… she’d just been caught. By her crush. Trying to commit suicide.Wait. Had Misaki said “you too”??





	A Shared Ideation

This time she’ll do it. This time she’ll do it. This time she’ll do it. Just… a few minutes. 

Sayo stared downwards at the ground. The height of Hanasakigawa’s four floors was dizzying, especially in the mid-afternoon’s sunlight.

She should jump right now. She could jump right now. Hina had surpassed her, everyone was too busy to pay attention to her, she’d had 2 scares about passing in as many days, she’d broken a pick again this morning, she hadn’t aced the last test, none of that would plague her if she jumped.

No more loneliness, no more misunderstandings, no more anything.

She took her shoes off and started to lift herself onto the barrier.

“You too, huh?”

Sayo froze, mortified. She’d just… she’d just been caught. By her crush. Trying to commit suicide.

Wait. Had Misaki said “you too”??

Sayo scrambled down, trying and failing to look elegant.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. I’d rather you didn’t, but I was actually up here for pretty much the same thing.”

Misaki was suicidal as well? That… made a lot of sense, thinking about it. Sayo had just assumed that Hello, Happy World! kept her from reaching that level, but maybe it didn’t work.

“So… come here often?”

Was that a pickup line?

“Yes, actually. Not regularly, but yes.”  
“Guess our schedules finally matched up, huh Sayo-san?”  
“It would seem so.”  
“Wanna sit down?”  
“... Sure.”

Sayo’s face was surely bright red, but Misaki didn’t comment on it. Sayo put her shoes back on and sat with Misaki against the wall.

“I have some chocolate if you want.”  
“That would be lovely.”

She was sitting with her crush eating chocolate. This would’ve been much nicer if the surrounding circumstances were different.

“You’re not going to ask me why?”  
“I don’t think there needs to be a why. I mean, theoretically my life isn’t actually bad, but I still come here every now and then, and I still picture myself splitting my head on the pavement on impact. My life isn’t actually bad, but I still almost jump.”

Sayo hated those words. She didn’t want to think about her crush falling . She didn’t want to think about someone else leaving her, even if they didn’t know they were important to her in the first place.

“Okusawa-san, I-”  
“Sorry, that was pretty depressing, huh? You don’t need more of that.”  
“No, I do the same. It pains me to hear, but I understand.”  
“You care? Honestly, I don’t really expect anyone to do that at the moment. Everyone just loves Michelle, and I’m just Michelle’s friend who is there sometimes. Rimi and Kanon-san acknowledge my existence sometimes, and sometimes I catch people looking at me, but that’s about it. Not that I deserve it anyway, so it doesn’t really matter, does it?”  
“I know what you mean. I feel like I’m only wanted for my playing as well, and I can’t even do that right. Everyone seems so much better than me.”  
“Even me?”

Especially you.

“Yes, Okusawa-san. Especially you.”  
“Especially?? What’s that supposed to mean?”

She’d said it out loud. Oh no.

“Do you… do you like me back or something?”  
“Back?”  
“Wait, maybe you didn’t mean it that way, maybe I’m trying to read into things too much here. Forget I said anything.”

Sayo couldn’t forget it if she tried.

“No, I… I do like you, Okusawa-san.”  
“Honestly? I’ve been kinda hoping that you didn’t, if only to make my eventual suicide slightly easier on you.”  
“How did you know?”  
“How did I guess that you liked me? Well, one thing I do have going for me is that I am pretty observant, and I noticed that you act a little different around me. I will admit that a lot of that was probably just me hoping, though.”

Sayo bit into her chocolate, giving her a moment.

“Does it help you too? Coming up here?”  
“Well physically it’s not as bad as when I cut myself, but that’s right up until the day that it’s worse, so take that as you will.”

Hmm.

“I find it cathartic as well.”  
“Sometimes I imagine doing flips lmao. I can do that now, my band has me do so much that I had to learn how to dive in a bear suit. You heard about the sky concert, right?”  
“That was an absurd way to hold a live.”  
“Tell me about it. I’ll be honest, I didn’t really want to pull the parachute, but I also didn’t want my bandmates to see me pancaked. They might be annoying sometimes, but they don’t deserve that.”  
“I see.”  
“It’s nice to have someone listen like you do, Sayo-san. Most people talk over the top of me, but when I’m with you, I feel like I can just say things. Anything. And you won’t judge me for it.”  
“Many people would tell you that I’m very judgmental.”  
“Yeah, but that’s not for me, is it? You haven’t scolded me once.”

She was probably right.

A breeze pushed lightly against them. Sayo could feel it, the rush of air against her as she fell four floors to her doom. It had to happen some time, but she couldn’t disappoint Misaki like that. Unless…

No. She couldn’t ask her to do it together. Misaki had so much more to live for, she couldn’t drag her down like this, certainly not so literally.

“Sayo-san?”  
“Yes?”  
“Is something wrong?”  
“I was just picturing something, that’s all.”  
“It was the jump, wasn’t it? I didn’t get it this time, but sometimes when I feel the wind hit me I imagine it. Am I wrong?”  
“No, you aren’t wrong, Okusawa-san. I don’t know how you know all of… this.”  
“Am I freaking you out? I’ll stop talking about it if it makes you uncomfy. I don’t want to see you any more upset than necessary.”  
“No, I think it’s helping. I didn’t think anyone knew, but you do. You get it. You understand. I don’t feel alone…”  
“That’s a lot better than I expected. I’m glad I can help someone, and I’m really glad it’s you.”

Misaki grabbed Sayo’s hand and Sayo immediately felt her chest tense up.

Misaki gave it a squeeze and Sayo immediately felt dizzy.

Sayo’s crush was holding her hand.

“Thank you.”  
“You’re welcome? Sorry if that was too forward, I just. I dunno.”  
“No need to apologize.”

Her chocolate was gone.

“Do you want to stay here? It’s not like we’re going to jump today, so we could go somewhere else and hang out? We’ll be kicked out soon anyway, so we might as well go somewhere.”  
“Like a date?”  
“Haha, yeah. If-if you want it to be, that is.”  
“I think I do.”

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah this fic was basically Misaki talking about depression and suicidal ideation and Sayo going "mood mood BIG mood same mood". By the way, the I have chronic major depression with a lot of suicidal ideation, so I do know what I'm writing about. I wrote this in like the 3 hours after midnight lmao.


End file.
